Stories of Hope: Finding the Right Care in an Intensive Outpatient Program

Samantha’s Story

At PSI, we understand that storytelling has the power to save lives, and we are honored to provide a space for survivors to share their stories. This article is part of a subsection of the PSI blog dedicated to survivor stories. Please note that this story has not been edited, and caution is advised as distressing themes related to perinatal mental health may be present. If there are specific trigger warnings for an article, they will be listed below. Links to resources can be found at the bottom of this page.

Trigger warning: intrusive thoughts, self-harm, suicidal ideation

[Postpartum] was a complete surprise. I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and have dealt with situational depression, but nothing to the level of despair and depression that PMAD (postpartum mood and anxiety disorder) caused.

Onset of Symptoms

I did not have a difficult pregnancy, just GD (gestational diabetes) that was managed through diet. In my first three days postpartum, something started to change. I cried every time I was left alone with my daughter, because I was terrified of anything happening to her, of not being able to care for her. The day before we left the hospital, I was visited by a hospital psychiatrist and given outpatient resources.

Once we brought her home, I started to have intrusive thoughts of her dying. Once my husband returned to work one month postpartum, the thoughts of guilt, shame, and death increased to where I began self-harming and had thoughts of taking all the medications I had to take my life. I was afraid of changing, bathing, and feeding my daughter because I was convinced I would accidentally hurt her. I became angry and resentful of having my daughter. I remember thinking, What kind of person am I? Why can’t I be happy? Being adopted, I felt I should have a perfect connection with her, because she was the only link I had to someone like me. I stopped showering, stopped eating, and have come to realize that I dissociated most of the time while my daughter napped on my chest.

Joining an Intensive Outpatient Program

I reached out on my own for a therapist and a psychiatrist. I confided in them that I was not eating, rarely bathed, and didn’t leave the house. I accepted no help from family that was close by, and didn’t share any true feelings I was having. Once I shared that I was self-harming and wanted to die, I was given a referral for the first mom-baby IOP in the area, where I was part of the program for four months. I was admitted immediately. Being able to bring my daughter was both terrifying and affirming. The drive was over an hour away in rush hour DMV traffic, and I had constant thoughts of someone causing an accident in which she dies; I didn’t care if I died. The providers were able to see firsthand how I interacted with my daughter and how my mental health presented. It helped me realize that I am not alone and that it was okay to share what I was going through. That suffering from PMAD was not a character flaw, that I wasn’t a bad mother, that my daughter wasn’t better off without me.

It took me two months to be able to allow someone else to hold my daughter so I could eat a snack or go to the bathroom at the program. It took me three months to stop crying at the drop of a hat and to stop apologizing for my daughter crying or even for myself. I found caring providers who were committed to my recovery and who empowered me to be the mother they knew I could be. The mothers I met are strong, brave, and loving.

After the Program

I found the right medications and continued therapy once discharged. I put myself out there to let others know that PMAD can affect anyone, in any walk of life. I’m a therapist, and to feel that I couldn’t even help myself was demoralizing. I now realize that what I tell my clients when working through their journeys – that we can’t do this on our own.

I have made the choice not to have any more children because of my experience. It was a hard decision for me and my husband, but I know this is the best decision for our family. I am lucky to still be here with my one and only, to see her grow into the sweet, smart, active girl that she is.