Letting Go of Perfect: The Impact of Infertility on Pregnancy and Postpartum

By Alison Fedoris Leslie, LCSW, MSW, MSSP

If you have ever tried to get pregnant, you have likely been inundated with advice from friends, family, and (unfortunately) the internet. If this process took longer than you expected, you have likely been given specific advice to help increase your chances of becoming pregnant. You cut out gluten, alcohol, or caffeine while trying to conceive. You were instructed to relax, go on vacation, or try holding your legs up the wall. You definitely were told that it will happen when you stop thinking about it.

While navigating the uncertain world of infertility, this advice can become overwhelming. There is an expectation that you need to be perfect in order to conceive. You cannot waver in the recommended lifestyle changes, as doing so will hinder your (potentially already small) chances of conceiving. Anecdotes from those with success can become well-intentioned superstitions or misleading directives. There seems to be a line between enjoying a good luck McDonald’s french fry or bowl of pineapple and feeling all-consumed by the need to be perfect.

Fighting Perfectionism in Pregnancy and Postpartum

As I navigated infertility for two and a half years, I felt the pull to try just about anything to help me become successfully pregnant (fries and pineapple included!). I naively assumed that once I was pregnant, I would feel nothing but bliss and gratitude. However, once I was pregnant, this aim for perfectionism intensified. I worried about everything that I ate, both from a nourishment perspective (was this going to help my baby’s cognitive development?) as well as from a safety perspective (if I eat a salad at a restaurant, was I going to develop listeria?). At the time, I chalked this up to feeling what any expectant mother would feel – a want and need to do what is best for her child. What I didn’t realize was how much my need to be perfect was fueled by my infertility journey.

Continuing into postpartum and early parenthood, this attempt at perfectionism was almost all-consuming. Looking back, I see clearly that I was focusing on being perfect to make up for my insecurity, sadness, and grief in not being able to get pregnant naturally. If I couldn’t be “perfect” in that way, I would spend every moment during my pregnancy and postpartum period making up for it.

This focus on being a perfect mom stole time away from my son. Rather than enjoying his first smiles and coos, I spent hours researching wake windows and milestones. While he contact napped on my chest, I scrolled Instagram for the best activities for cognitive stimulation. When he finally fell asleep at night, I was kept awake with racing thoughts: was he receiving enough milk? Was he sleeping enough? Was he growing enough? Was I enough?

Postpartum Reflections: Gentle Advice to My Former Self

If you have had fertility treatments and felt this prenatal and postpartum pressure, you are not alone. Your fertility treatments have trained you for this perfectionism. You have spent months or years having to be extremely precise in measuring medications and taking them at the right time. You have made changes to your diet or exercise routine. It feels like you have wasted precious cycles trying to throw everything at the wall to see what sticks. You don’t have the luxury of time, and therefore you don’t have the luxury of figuring out what may have made the difference that cycle (if we can ever truly know that). You also have learned to live with the grief that this journey wasn’t what you pictured. You have had to grieve a version of trying to conceive, pregnancy, and postpartum. As I look back at my pregnancy and early postpartum, I wish I had been able to give myself more grace and realize that we are all trying to do our best in any given moment. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself:

1. There’s only so much that you can control (which is actually a good thing!)

You are finally pregnant! Time to buy the baby books, decorate the nursery, and figure out what fruit or vegetable best matches your baby’s size this week. If you are having a medically uncomplicated pregnancy, you will very soon have fewer appointments than you have been used to in your fertility clinic. For many, including me, this brought significant anxiety and worry. I could no longer see my baby’s development weekly and was not being monitored as closely. I felt that this meant I had to be hypervigilant in order to sustain this pregnancy. I avoided any food that I felt could have bacteria, steered away from caffeine, and changed all of my makeup to avoid any dangerous ingredients. I spent hours online, trying to figure out if there was anything in my environment that I should be changing in order to protect my baby. While there are of course things that should be avoided during pregnancy (and you should consult with your doctor or midwife about these things), I learned that there was so much more beyond my control. There was no way I could avoid all of the pollution in the area in which I lived. I spent my entire pregnancy extremely nauseous and threw up daily – which meant there were many days where I was not able to eat the nourishing meals I had pictured. Many days I was so fatigued I could barely walk my dog – let alone complete a rigorous workout.

Learning to live with this was a practice in patience and mindfulness–and allowed me to then lean into the joy of the unexpected. I couldn’t control when I would feel my son’s kicks for the first time. I couldn’t decide when he would make his way into the world (two weeks early, just in time to be a July baby). I couldn’t determine that his eyes would be blue or that he would take so much after his father. Yet not having control over these things was part of the beautiful and uniting part of pregnancy. For me, I found journaling and meditation both helpful tools in staying present and letting go of some of this control. I wrote about my pregnancy in a journal I hope to give to my son one day, and I kept a journal that was just for me. In both of these books, I was able to share and reflect in a way that relieved some of the pressure of having a “perfect” pregnancy. I also reached out to friends who had been or were pregnant. By learning about their many different experiences and approaches, I found that there was no one perfect way to be pregnant. This allowed me to find out what worked best for me and my baby.

2. You are the expert on your body, your health, and your baby.

If you have navigated infertility, you have done your research. You have read books, blogs, and medical reports. You have talked to medical professionals and holistic practitioners. You have tried many paths to reach your goal of becoming and staying pregnant.

You can and should trust yourself. You have done the research and are prepared for this. I picture it like studying for an important exam. After weeks of preparing, studying flashcards and taking practice tests, you have reached the all-important day. You aren’t able to bring in any of your notes or study materials. You have to trust that you can apply the knowledge you have. Treat your pregnancy and postpartum journey similarly. You likely know more about pregnancy than those who haven’t been through infertility. You know how to research and seek guidance. Take these skills with you into your pregnancy and postpartum journey.

Once pregnant, you are navigating new territory, but you are likely still receiving feedback and advice from just about everyone. I encourage you to identify a core group of people who can provide advice and guidance. I recommend a mix of medical professionals, other practitioners, and a friend or family member. You can use this group to explore any concerns you have and seek guidance on things you may actually want to change. For everyone else? You can thank them for their advice and move along.

3. Flexibility is your friend.

This isn’t going to look how you pictured–and I mean that in all of the beautiful, scary, wonderful ways that encompass those early days of parenthood. There’s no way to truly understand what those early days look like–and they look different for everyone depending on your birth, medical needs, and family support. You likely won’t have a routine for a while, and you are going to have days where it feels like all you did was contact nap and try to feed both you and your baby. Shut down your social media, let go of the baby books, and lean into the haze. Being flexible about what these days look like is necessary, and it will set you up for flexibility down the road—which will be essential in motherhood. Everyone’s journey will look different, and being flexible will allow you to reach each milestone with ease rather than comparison. By letting go of this rigidity, you will be able to see the many ways pregnancy and parenthood can be approached—and that there is no “perfect” way.

There is so much time spent waiting while trying to conceive (TTC), and we are inundated with too much information. Whether this information is evidence-based or proven myths, it’s hard to not internalize this guidance and tend toward perfectionism. Yet this perfectionism can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, worry, and depression. I want you to know that the pregnancy and postpartum journey is partly what you choose, sprinkled with the unexpected. There are moments filled with joy, worry, and uncertainty, but try to remember: you have spent a lot of time trying to be exactly where you are right now. Let go of the “shoulds” and “have tos” if they aren’t serving you–and only eat the pineapple if you want. 

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