Suzanne Cooper’s Story
At PSI, we understand that storytelling has the power to save lives, and we are honored to provide a space for survivors to share their stories. This article is part of a subsection of the PSI blog dedicated to survivor stories. Please note that this story has not been edited, and caution is advised as distressing themes related to perinatal mental health may be present. If there are specific trigger warnings for an article, they will be listed below. Links to resources can be found at the bottom of this page.
Trigger warning: suicidal ideation
I had fantasized about my natural, unmedicated birth throughout my pregnancy. When I reached 42 weeks, I was informed I would be induced at the hospital, which ultimately led to an emergency c-section. Knowing my baby was about to enter the world, the only thing I cared about was sleep after 24 hours of labor. From there, I hardly slept at the hospital and was up all night cluster-feeding our first night home.
The thoughts of “I can’t do this” started almost immediately. I became obsessed with my son’s sleep and my own, panicking about nighttime feedings. Then thoughts came of giving my son to foster care. I truly believed I could fight for him later, when I felt better. I seriously considered adoption, feeling like there was no other way out and like no one could help me. My family intervened and we started strategizing how to get me help. I looked like I had no life in my eyes and the anxiety was so bad I felt taking my own life was the only way.
Thankfully I found PSI and figured out that I was suffering from postpartum psychosis and started planning for recovery. We found the right combinations of medications and hormone support. Even as a mental health therapist, I couldn’t stop what was happening to me even after I started to understand my diagnosis. I had to wait for the medication to kick in while my family took shifts being with me and my son.
Reading testimonies from other women on the PSI Instagram page helped me feel seen and gave me hope I might find normalcy again. I needed to know I wasn’t alone. Today I love my son and feel like I am an adequate mother, even though some days I’m still haunted by those first few weeks. The PSI Instagram page is still an important part of my recovery, knowing this community is always here.
Learn More about Perinatal Mental Health Disorders
Free Online Peer Support Groups, including Perinatal Mood Support
