Kay B.’s Story
At PSI, we understand that storytelling has the power to save lives, and we are honored to provide a space for survivors to share their stories. This article is part of a subsection of the PSI blog dedicated to survivor stories. Please note that this story has not been edited, and caution is advised as distressing themes related to perinatal mental health may be present. If there are specific trigger warnings for an article, they will be listed below. Links to resources can be found at the bottom of this page.
Trigger warning: postpartum psychosis, suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts, self-harm
When I got pregnant with my second child, I told my OB I had a history of postpartum depression, and it might reoccur. He said, “No problem, just call me and I’ll prescribe you something.”
The birth went well, but I felt my mood crashing within a few days, so I called the OB. He put me on a low dose of Prozac and told me I could continue nursing. I did well for a few months, but the baby wasn’t a good sleeper and nursed frequently around the clock. Initially, I didn’t feel depressed, but I started worrying about everything. At first, it was ordinary things like people breaking into the house, but then I started to be afraid of dark corners of the house, the closets, and aliens lurking in the house or outside, trying to get in. I was seeing a therapist for anxiety, but she said because I was taking Prozac, it was probably fine.
My anxiety continued to increase, I started feeling suicidal, and then I started self-harming. This was pre-social media; I had no history of self-harm and knew nothing about it. I had no idea what was happening to me. My therapist went on vacation and her colleague sent me directly to a private pay psychiatrist, which I could not afford. We lived in a small rural area, and there were no others available. He told me I had borderline personality disorder, because of the self-harming. I didn’t believe that.
Much went on during this time, but I just kept getting worse. I felt like voices in my head were talking to me all the time, telling me to die. On December 24, the baby, who was then ten months old, stopped nursing. Within 36 hours I had stopped speaking and was nearly catatonic. The television was talking to me and I was terrified of everything. My husband got scared and took me to the hospital. The hospital wasn’t sure what was wrong with me because the baby was ten months old, and most literature on PP says the onset is 0-3 months after birth. I was 35 years old and had no previous history of psychosis, so they didn’t think it was schizophrenia. They put me on antipsychotics and so many other meds, I was barely functional. When it didn’t go away in the next two months, they told me I must have schizoaffective disorder. I was kept on antipsychotic drugs for 20 years, which had horrendous side effects including gaining 100 lbs. I had to quit my career, which was devastating. My physical health was destroyed.
Eventually, I stabilized, and in early 2023 I made a serious effort to regain my health and quit taking those antipsychotics. I no longer have any psychosis, and I think I DID have postpartum. I’m much healthier now and feel good. I’ve learned that PP isn’t well-defined for providers, and many aren’t very experienced with it.
My story is much longer than I’m able to tell here, and I hope to help spread awareness to others; both to help other women and increase knowledge among providers and researchers.
