Shouldn’t I feel Happy? When Expectations Don’t Meet Reality: Post-Adoption Depression
By Megan Montgomery, LCSW
You have finally brought home your long-awaited child or children after months, or years, of anticipation, preparation, and waiting. Bring on the joy, thankfulness, and excitement for the future – right? Adopting a child can bring on so many of these emotions, but some parents also feel sad, disappointed, isolated, and underprepared.
When growing your family through adoption you work hard, completing mounds of paperwork, meeting with social workers and doctors, and completing various training about becoming a parent. You wanted this and were expecting to feel happy after placement and on to the fun part – your family. So, it feels confusing, upsetting, and even shameful when things don’t feel as expected. Since postpartum depression has so long been connected to hormonal changes for new mothers, adoptive parents may not be aware that what they are experiencing is a sign of the post-baby blues.
Adoptive and biological parents alike experience increased stress and life changes that may put them at risk for developing depression and anxiety. Depression is more complex than many might give it credit for – it can be linked to certain brain chemicals, genetic susceptibility, or stressful life events on their own or in combination with one another.
Tips for the Pre-Adoptive Parent:
- Connect with other adoptive parents
- Start a relationship with an adoption-informed therapist
- Strengthen your connection with your partner
- Take care of yourself: eat, sleep, hydrate, get outside, be social, and connect with your hobbies and interests
- Get comfortable with the fact that you will have some hard days; that doesn’t mean they will last forever
- Get familiar with the symptoms of anxiety and depression
Common Symptoms of Depression:
- Persistent feelings of anger, irritability, or rage
- Lack of interest in the baby/child
- Appetite and sleep disturbance
- Physical aches and pains without clear physical cause
- Crying and sadness
- Feelings of guilt, shame, or hopelessness
- Loss of interest, joy, or pleasure in things you used to enjoy
- Possible thoughts of harming the child or yourself
Common Symptoms of Anxiety:
- Worry that is hard to control
- Trouble concentrating
- Feeling irritable or restless
- Heart palpitations
- Nausea/stomach distress
- Trouble sleeping
- Having a sense of panic, impending danger, or doom
When parents experience post-adoption depression, it is oftentimes connected to unrealistic expectations. This “post-party” let-down, as I sometimes refer to it (if you have ever felt melancholy after a much-anticipated event or after getting something that wasn’t what you thought it would be you know what I am talking about) is very real for some parents.
Of course, that is not the whole story. There are other experiences that adoptive parents may have: unexpected special needs, feelings of judgment from those in their support system or their agency if they share that they are having a hard time following the adoption, recurrence of grief related to infertility or a previous pregnancy loss, attachment challenges, trauma overwhelm, uncertainty about who can understand what they are going through, and feeling unprepared, to name a few. When these stressors are not addressed, they can grow and lead to depression.
Post-Adoption Depression (PAD)
Before you start criticizing yourself, please take a minute to reflect on the above, everything you have been through, everything your new family member has been through. This is a BIG change, an enormous adjustment, and during the transition, things can feel hard. As an adoption social worker and maternal mental health provider, I believe that even the most self-assured parent can lose their confidence when they bring a new child or children, and the additional mental and emotional load, into their home.
Sometimes this hard time when parents experience uncomfortable and unexpected feelings is short-lived (the blues), and at other times the feelings linger or grow overwhelming, impacting our daily living (depression). There is no defined period that is sufficient for a full adjustment to an adoption. But if these feelings last longer than a few weeks, it is a good idea to get therapeutic help.
Post Adoption Depression (PAD), while not a DSM diagnosis, is a real response to a demanding life experience. And there is help available. If you suspect that you are struggling with post-adoption depression, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Connect with a therapist, explain your symptoms, and be assessed for post-adoption depression. This is not a reflection on you or how successful a parent you will be. And there is no reason to wait to get help; the sooner you get help, the better.
About the Author
Megan Montgomery, LCSW
Megan Montgomery, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in New York & Massachusetts who is Attachment and Trauma Focused and trained as a Trauma Center Trauma Sensitive Yoga Facilitator. Megan works with individuals pursuing parenthood and those who are parenting. Her areas of expertise include attachment & trauma, perinatal mental health, and adoption. Megan is focused on helping to build successful families through a holistic and individual/family-centered approach.
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