Stop Judging Parents. Start Supporting Them.
By Erin O’Connor, EdD, Co-Founder of Nested, New York University Professor
Parents face constant judgment at every stage. Here’s how we can shift from criticism to compassion and support each other through it all.
The Quiet Apology That Says Everything
“I don’t usually let her have electronics. This is just a one-time thing.”
A mother said this to me recently while we were boarding a flight. Her toddler was melting down in the jetway, and she handed over her phone. Then came the disclaimer – unprompted, reflexive, and unnecessary. She was trying to preempt judgment from me, another parent.
She didn’t know I’ve been in her shoes. I’ve handed over screens in desperation. I’ve fought a seatbelt with a squirming toddler while catching side-eyes from strangers. Once, on a solo flight with my daughter, I tried everything – snacks, her favorite stuffed animal, Bluey on my phone – and still, she cried and resisted. A fellow passenger sighed dramatically and muttered something about “screen time these days.” My face burned.
In that moment, I wasn’t a developmental psychology researcher or co-founder of a family research institute. I was just a mom trying her best—and feeling like it wasn’t enough.
Parenting in Public Feels Like a Performance, But It Shouldn’t
We live in a culture that often treats parenting as a spectator sport. From grocery store aisles to Instagram feeds, caregivers are constantly navigating public scrutiny. And the message we get (explicitly or not) is this: You will be judged, and you better look like you have it all together.
At Nested, the nonprofit I co-founded to study family well-being, we hear about this pressure from parents every day. They’re not just worried about their child’s behavior. They’re worried about being seen as bad parents for having a child who behaves like, well, a child.
Judgment Doesn’t End with the Toddler Years
Although the toddler years—with their public meltdowns and big emotions—are often a peak moment for judgment, scrutiny shadows caregivers throughout the entire parenting journey. Here’s how:
- Pregnancy: Social media shapes prospective parents’ self-perception long before the baby arrives, introducing pressures from influencers and online communities alike (Crowe et al., 2020).
- Infancy and Feeding Choices: Despite the “fed is best” movement, decisions about breastfeeding vs. formula continue to spark unsolicited opinions (Blum, 1999).
- Toddlerhood: Highly visible behaviors like tantrums, resistance, or screen time use invite commentary from strangers and loved ones alike (Chen & Yu, 2021; Simmons, 2020).
- Elementary Years: Concerns shift to educational choices, extracurriculars, and digital limits. Gray areas, like how much screen time is “too much”, become hotbeds for judgment (Radesky et al., 2016).
- Adolescence: Parents of teens face criticism for being either too permissive or too controlling. The “helicopter vs. hands-off” dichotomy oversimplifies what is often a daily recalibration.
At every stage, the stakes feel high, and the scrutiny doesn’t let up.
Why We Judge and Why It Backfires
Psychologists have long understood that humans are wired to compare themselves to others. In the 1950s, Leon Festinger proposed the social comparison theory, which suggests we evaluate our own worth and decisions by measuring them against those around us (Festinger, 1954). In the parenting world, this often shows up as side-eyes in public or passive-aggressive comments online.
But comparison in modern parenting culture often morphs into critique. And that critique, whether subtle or overt, can erode confidence and create distance between caregivers when what we really need is connection.
The irony? The people most equipped to support us—other parents—often feel like the people we must hide from.
Rewriting the Narrative
Parenting is already complicated enough without the added burden of unsolicited opinions. Whether we’re worried about our preschooler’s meltdown in public or our teenager’s late curfew, we all share a common thread: We care deeply about our kids and want the best for them.
If we remind ourselves (and one another) that parenting is a learning process, we stand a better chance of reducing the anxiety and guilt that so often accompany these judging eyes. When we see another parent struggling (or we are that struggling parent), we can extend empathy instead of critical glances. Doing so shifts our culture toward genuine support, making the journey a little easier for everyone.
We may never eradicate judgment entirely, but we can change how we respond to it and treat others in similar shoes. When I look back on that airplane incident, I realize the only thing that would have eased my burden (and my daughter’s meltdown) was a bit of kindness or even a knowing nod from a fellow parent.
Let’s be that kind of community for one another. Parenting is hard enough. We all deserve a break, a smile, and maybe even a helping hand (or a few extra snacks) when the seatbelt sign is on and emotions are running high.
References
Blum, L. M. (1999). At the breast: Ideologies of breastfeeding and motherhood in the contemporary United States. Beacon Press.
Chen, E. & Yu, Y. (2021). Understanding maternal stress in the digital age: The role of technology in maternal well-being and parenting. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 30(10), 2902–2913.
Crowe, S., Foray, A., & Kannis-Dymand, L. (2020). Keeping up with the digital “trendsetters”: A thematic analysis of mothers’ experiences using social media during the transition to parenthood. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 20(1), 446.
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117-140.
Radesky, J. S., Peacock-Chambers, E., Zuckerman, B., & Silverstein, M. (2016). Use of mobile technology to calm upset children: Associations with social-emotional development. JAMA Pediatrics, 170(4), 356–362. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2015.4260
Simmons, H. (2020). Feeling Judged: Parenting Culture and Interpersonal Surveillance. In Surveillance of Modern Motherhood: Experiences of Universal Parenting Courses (pp. 93–118). Springer International Publishing. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-45363-3_5
About the Author
Erin O’Connor, EdD
Erin is a Full Professor and Director of Early Childhood Education at New York University, where she studies how relationships with caregivers and teachers impact child development. She is also the co-founder of Nested, a nonprofit research institute focused on caregiver mental health and family well-being. Erin holds advanced degrees from Harvard, Columbia, and Fordham, and her work has been featured in leading psychology and education journals. She co-hosts the Parenting Understood podcast and is passionate about translating research into action for families.
