Motherhood and Identity: How ACT Supports Redefining the Self as a New Mom

By Molly England, LMSW, PMH-C

The reality of becoming a mother hits us all at different times. For some, it’s the moment we hear our baby’s first cry, and for others, it’s the first fluttery feeling inside us. For others, it’s seeing the two lines on the pregnancy test come into focus. Whether we enter motherhood through adoption, IVF, or unassisted, the methods of becoming a mom are as diverse and broad as the identities we hold as mothers.

But there’s one commonality—nothing prepares us for the transformation into new motherhood.

Too often, we hear the societal tropes about “getting your body back” or we feel the cultural pressure to be the “perfect mom,” and we succumb to idolizing these false concepts.

The therapeutic modality known as ACT, which stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, offers a framework for this transformation into new motherhood. Here are five essential ACT tools to cultivate self-acceptance as a new mom.

Explore your values

Steven Hayes, the founder of ACT, writes: “Values are chosen qualities of being and doing…Values…are enduring, ongoing guides to living.” Values are fluid, and in a time when our new-mom worlds feel tumultuous, identifying our values is a grounding and powerful experience. Make a list of 20 values that you hold. For examples of people’s most popular values, here is a list. Then, slowly prioritize the list by crossing out the less vital values. Stop when you have three remaining key values. These are your guides. When things are tough and it’s hard to endure, return your attention to the three words: these are meaningful guides to keep your direction clear and aligned with your purpose as a new mom.

Increase awareness

“The dishes and the laundry will still be there,” my Grandma reminds me while I’m drowning in piles of dirty clothes and stacks of sticky plates, and I feel like giving up. She’s right. Bring awareness even to the parts of your life that you wish would disappear. No forest animals are coming to clean up the mess like in Snow White . But what we do have is our mind and body’s ability to notice our surroundings and then choose how we want to engage with the moment. If we pause long enough to acknowledge the dirty dishes, our heavy eyelids, or the stack of unopened mail, we allow space and flexibility to increase around these things. They become less cluttered (at least in our mind), and our clarity grows with each mindful moment.

Choose your action

Busy has a whole new meaning in motherhood; what we thought was busy pre-motherhood looks like “free time” in hindsight, and action becomes our baseline. But does all this “doing” feel like a choice? A lot of the time, we’re doing without knowing what it is we’re actually doing. This autopilot behavior generates reactivity as opposed to actions that are motivated by our values. Take “resting when the baby rests,” for example. The choice point exercise is an effective ACT tool to help you make a decision to act, even if that action is to go and lie down. The choice point starts with the situation: the baby is napping. From there, you have two diverging directions to choose from: one moves you toward a meaningful life filled with vitality, and the other moves you away from vitality and purpose. Take a minute to jot down the behaviors (or actions) that move you toward vitality. Then jot down the behaviors that move you away from vitality. This exercise can be used in a variety of situations, including deciding with your partner whose turn it is to get up with the baby, when to allow friends and family to visit the baby, whether to use breastmilk or formula to feed the baby, and deciding to hire a night nurse or postpartum doula, etc.

Defuse from thoughts

When we’re fused to our thoughts, our judgment is blurred. Many moms have a rigid perception of how their birth will be, what nourishing their baby will be like, who will be in their village, and what motherhood looks like. But when we are too close to these thoughts—when we’re holding on too tightly—we often miss meaning and joy. We sacrifice curiosity for certainty, and that strips us of the pleasure that comes from being psychologically flexible. Being able to bend when rigid and to move slowly enough to allow for movement and space are essential skills. Cognitive defusion is a mindfulness skill from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that teaches you to view thoughts as just thoughts (words or images) rather than absolute truths, allowing you to create distance from them and reducing their power over your actions and emotions.

Explore the noticing self

If you carried your baby in your womb, would you describe yourself as the baby, or would you say that the baby was inside you? Most likely, you replied that the baby is inside you. The ACT concept of self-as-context, or the noticing self, offers a unique and transformative perspective. Similar to how a mother carries her baby, as moms, we carry our experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires. We are not our experiences; we are the containers of these experiences. Maybe we’re having a hard time connecting with the baby, or our intrusive thoughts are in rapid-fire mode, and we’re starting to wonder if we’re a bad mom—the noticing self technique is helpful. Notice each thought, notice each feeling, and notice that you can place the thought on a leaf on a stream, or you can write the thought in bubble letters like a cloud in the sky. Notice the thoughts, even the toughest thoughts, and sing them to a tune in your mind. When you allow your mind to acknowledge your struggles and difficulties, you’re also recognizing that you are not your thoughts. You are the observer of those thoughts. You are the whole, beautiful, and loving container that makes space for the full array of thoughts, both dark and light, happy and sad, and welcome and unwelcome.

Redefining the self in terms of new motherhood requires support and compassion. ACT techniques provide practical tools to buoy moms. We don’t need to reach more goals or to jump higher hurdles; what we need is self-compassion, self-acceptance, and values-guided action.  

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